Friday, April 24, 2009

What will happen to the lesbian car?

It's time to talk about Saab. The future of Saab is in question as General Motors tries to stop the bleeding by dropping the beloved, idiosyncratic brand it had no business acquiring in the first place. But why, you ask, is Saab "the lesbian car"? Well, isn't it obvious? A high percentage of Saab drivers are lesbians. And, in addition to being the car of choice of the Sapphist Gazetteer, it is the car driven by none other than Bette Porter. (Perhaps not in the last season of The L Word, when she and Tina, in a fit of misguided parenting decisions, got an SUV...) But prior to that, Bette conspicuously drove a blue Saab convertible, possibly a lightning blue metallic 2000 Viggen, but probably a 9-3 Aero.

The sad reality is that there aren't enough lesbians to support the quirky brand from Trollhattan, Sweden. GM, in a move decried by Saab loyalists, bought the Swedish brand in 1990. Now that the world economy has collapsed, Saab will be abandoned by GM in January 2010. Saab, fighting for its high-maintenance life, has filed for bankruptcy in Sweden. Perhaps this is why lesbians favor it: high performance/high maintenance? It's a powerful beauty that, much like Bette Porter, needs constant nurturing?

Part of the problem, of course, is Subaru. That dowdy Japanese standby for some reason has siphoned off buyers from the sexier European stylings of Saab. Saab sold only 21,368 vehicles in the US last year; in its largest market. Subaru sold close to 200,000. In a word: Travesty.

Lesbians, we must rally behind our brand. We must celebrate the esoteric and the demanding. We must reject the Forester and choose the 9-3 sedan. We must stop pretending we are farmers and instead embrace the sophisticated, exclusive nature of our kind that is best reflected in none other than the Saab.