Friday, February 4, 2011

Lesbian guide to snow removal

Considering the fact that I am now an expert on snow removal, I feel qualified to offer these guidelines. In addition to the approximately 56 snow storms I've lived through this winter, I also have years of experience in the northern climes, including a childhood in New Hampshire (where they know how to clear the roads, if not adequately fund public education).

The Lesbian Guide to Snow Removal:
1. The lesbian in the house should lavish praise on the lesbian who is outside busting her ass.
2. Proper gloves should be worn. Not the fancy green leather gloves, which will leave an unsightly stain on the fingers once the wetness has soaked through, which it will.
3. Pancakes or some other type of hot breakfast should await the lesbian who is outside busting her ass.
4. Keep a box of Kleenex near the door. Even if you are one of those girls who knows how to blow her nose into the snowbank, you should not do that.
5. The first order of business should be to clear a path for the dog, who does not want to step in snow deeper than 1/18 of an inch.
6. The rarely worn baseball cap that you consider kind of stiff and dorky (a la Dad's style) but is big enough to fit over a knit cap and protect from falling snow may elicit a surprise compliment from the neighborhood hip-hop guy who passes by. When this occurs you may realize you look a little like Turtle from Entourage.
7. If you have a snow blower, you should name her and refer to her using feminine pronouns. "Alice B. Toklas" or "Mary Cheney" are good choices.
8. Choose appropriate topics to discuss with your shoveling neighbors, who will tend to be male. FYI, "My feet are cold," is a conversation stopper.
9. Pause occasionally to look up at the sky.
10. When you come inside, stomp your heavy, dyke-style boots in a ceremonial ritual to signal the completion of snow removal and the commencement of hot breakfast.


M said...

Additional Points:
Shovels: An expert lesbian snow shoveler has an array of shovels for use in different snow conditions. These should include at least three: 1) a pushing shovel; 2) a throwing shovel; and 3) a steel shovel for chipping and throwing ice. The lesbian parent will have a child-size plastic shovel available for the offspring to "help". That "help" is usually in the form of building a snow fort and throwing the excess snow onto an area that has already been cleared.

Outerwear: Although the full-body Carhartt insulated suit is best for snow blowing (especially atop a John Deere tractor), the shoveler should wear several layers, topped off with a rugged and aged hoodie.

Boots: should be Sorel Caribous. Some older LL Bean models are acceptable.

Sapphist Gazetteer said...

Excellent additional points. A lesbian's snow removal efforts will go much more smoothly with a full-body Carhartt insulated suit and a John Deere tractor.